About two months ago I met a good friend of mine and we were walking by the lake with Ruqaya. As we were leaving each other’s company, I told her, “if I had the choice to change what happened to Amr, I wouldn’t.” She told me that she was amazed at that statement and my “strength.”


On the drive home and ever since that day, I reproached my soul many times for what I thought was a lie. I wished that I had not said what I had said. Truthfully, my heart was aching for my husband and best friend, and I would have done anything or given anything for him to return to me.


As time passed and Allah (swt) blessed me with a bit more understanding, I started to see the merit of that statement I had initially regretted saying. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t change what happened to Amr…

 

Not because every day isn’t a tremendous struggle, and not because it isn’t eating away at my heart whenever I see Ruqaya’s doe eyes staring at a picture of her Baba…but rather it is because wanting him back would mean that I trust my own judgment above Allah’s Wisdom and Judgment. How could I say that it would be “better” if something different happened besides what Allah (swt) willed? I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t believe that.


I don’t know why I said what I said then, but perhaps those words came directly from my heart so that Allah (swt) would guide me to reflect on them later. Even through the pain, I always believe that Allah has something better in mind for me: a better plan in this world and a better destination in the hereafter, inshaAllah. 


My Lord, I accept. I am satisfied with You as my Lord, with Islam as my faith and with Muhammad (peace be upon him) as the final Prophet.

© Asmaa Hussein